Executive + Mom? Of course, it can be done!

by Sandra Shpilberg

Executive + Mom? Of course it can be done! I recently posted an article about a study showing that start-ups are more successful when they have female executives on their teams, and this prompted a question about how female executives with children handle the demands on their lives. And, that was all the inspiration I needed to write this, in the hopes that it helps and inspires other working women.

I have a demanding, high-impact, executive-level career that I have been nurturing for the last 15 years, and, with my husband, we brought two amazing children to this world, whom we hope to raise in a solid way.  Some of my thoughts are based on what has worked well for me, while some others are based on what failed miserably for me. Above all, these are just my opinions, one perspective, and certainly just a little of all I would have to say on the topic. Seek more. Here we go:

Secure the best childcare and support available

When you give that goodbye kiss to your children in the morning, you need to be able to access that feeling that you are leaving them in capable, trust-worthy hands, that their day has a high likelihood of being very good and productive, and that their development will occur as you envision. First on your to-do-list is to find that reliable childcare, in whatever form it takes. It may be a nanny for your infant, or a developmental pre-school for your toddler, or the best available elementary school for your child. After the goodbye kiss, you have peace of mind and confidence that your kids are in the best possible place they can be. Find that place.

The nanny/babysitter you hire to support you is the most important employee in your life. She is your WIFE! Select well. Train. Reward. Keep happy. We tried the Au Pair thing but I found myself teaching them how to boil pasta! Our family has been best supported by an older person with experience in the running of a house. Our nanny is my mom’s age. My parents live across the country, so for our family it made sense to have a “grandma” type around the house. And, I didn’t have to teach her how to boil pasta!

Outsource That Which Does Not Require You

Try to outsource all activities that do not bring you satisfaction or that can be capably done by others, such as laundry, closet organizing, major cleaning, even grocery shopping. Save your precious time for quality time with your kids, family, friends and you!

Team up with your Husband/Partner

Before I got married, I knew I wanted to be an executive and a mom. I grew up watching my mom go to work and it made perfect sense to me. I married a feminist who has supported every career move I made. When I wanted to go to Wharton to get my MBA, he moved to Philadelphia for me and happily found a job. He didn’t complain. He didn’t resent. Instead, he took advantage of the opportunity and two years later he got his Wharton MBA too and we stayed in Philly for him this time…even though we really wanted to get to San Francisco, pronto! That is a team. 

It was easier before kids! Yet, we need to continue to do that: support each other, lift each other up. Sometimes, it is my turn, and  sometimes, it is his turn. And, inevitably, sometimes, it is both of us going too hard! Those times are challenging…we try to navigate them by over-communicating about grocery shopping, doctors appointments, bar-mitzvah gifts, etc. We put EVERYTHING on each other’s calendars. We send text messages with to do lists and who is on for what.  And then we call each other to remind each other. We try to not let the other person fail. We try…sometimes it doesn’t work, and sometimes we fail at supporting each other. Those times are miserable…avoid them.

Better Feel Passion for the Work 

If your work is meaningful to you, you have a chance at overcoming the opportunity cost of not being with your kids while you do that work. When I feel that my work is meaningful, that I am making a contribution to society, that I am improving people’s lives, that I am working on innovative and exciting things, that I am setting a role model for my children, then it is easy to spring out of bed and tackle the demands of the day. Find that work.

Feed the Body 

Things went wrong when I stupidly decided to do one of those cleanses for which you eat basically nothing. Boy…that did not work! Don’t do it! Don’t do the Skinny Bitch diet either! An intense life requires optimal and balanced nutrition, and rest. I learned, the hard way, that I need calories, protein, carbohydrates, fats to power my body for the demands of my day. EAT to power your body and to have a little reserve for hard times. This actually involves EATING. So EAT.

I love to sleep. I need so much sleep it is amazing I am able to get anything done. The more demands you put on your body and mind, the more you should sleep to offset them. I need a long weekend nap to reverse the stress of the week. It took me a while to figure this out, but this is now a must. My husband and I agree to take turns on the weekends napping. Yup, our kids get to be with one parent only for a few hours…so what?

Have a Confidant / Best Friend … for bragging mostly

When I nailed that presentation to the Board of Directors, I called my friend Kim to tell her all the details. Kim is an executive at another company and has two kids. I did not filter myself. I told her I was the youngest person in the room, and the only other woman. I told her how I just nailed it…the presentation, the questions, the video. Bragging seems to be frowned upon in general, but I think it is extremely important for us to have a place where we can recognize our achievements and celebrate them. Kim provides that space for me. Find that confidant….that person that will be genuinely happy, not jealous, to hear about your success. It will feed you.

Take that Sanity Day…or Days…and Have a Little Adventure

The key challenge for the executive woman with a family is finding ME time. We are busy at work. We are busy at home. We take days off when the kids don’t have school and take family vacations, so nice! Yet, our lives are demanding our physical, emotional and mental attention and the only way to replenish is to take a break. Without it, we end up empty, unable to give what is needed.  

A few years back I had a time of intense pressure from work and home stress that left me feeling completely depleted…hungry. When you feel that hunger, feed it, immediately and generously. Take that day to yourself, make that bucket list of things you still want to do with your life and make a plan to do one of those things now or soon. Don’t defer your own personal development. Life is now.  

Finally…

Bad things will happen. Horribly disappointing things WILL happen. I can guarantee it. Your nanny may quit, your kids might have trouble in school, you may get sick, your work may become less than awesome to you, your parent may die, your relationship with your husband may go through that “off-year” when you question everything and become a royal pain in the rear.  These are the normal ups and downs of life. When you have a full, busy life there are more opportunities for ups and more opportunities for downs. Do not expect perfection. Expect balance. Learn, maybe the hard way, that disappointments are a great way to grow, to prune, to refocus, to learn how to be happy in the midst of a full life.

Being an executive for a company means that the company has trusted you to capably deal with complexity, setting and meeting goals, working with people, and overall getting something done. These are the same qualities required in the rest of your life to be an executive woman with a family. Your success in one area is likely predictive of success in the other.  If you want to do it, you can! Go for it!